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Sarah Jane Smith
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Feb. 17th / Voice / Locked
Date: 2018-02-26 07:43 am (UTC)It's like a 24/7 emotional waterfall, and I don't want to take it out on him, but it's like it never stops.
Help.
Re: Feb. 17th / Voice / Locked
Date: 2018-02-27 05:39 pm (UTC)[She's only really been hanging out with Twelve and a few of the workers from the newspaper.]
Re: Feb. 17th / Voice / Locked
Date: 2018-03-01 05:30 pm (UTC)Well, I'm not much better with the other two, but that's the problem with guitarist too, and it's the whole -- what we talked about before, the everything in its time and place. I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to. I want to kick it and make it cry.
He wants to move on, from everything. Has to. Gave me a big long speech about it once, why he couldn't--
[DEEP BREATH AND PINCHES HER EYES.]
[Then softly:] How I could spend the rest of my life with him, but he can't with me.
And it's killing me. I spent three years fighting to get back to him and for what? And he's right there and all I havefta do is reach out my hand, but if I do, even if he took it back, he doesn't want to, and someone else needs his hand, so I shouldn't, I can make do alone but I don't want to. Why should I? He's right there, I'm right here, so why am I stuck pretending like we're not?
And he can say what he wants, but I don't think either of us knows how to go back to just be friends with each other. It was easier on the run. But that doesn't mean it was better either.
I can't avoid him, I tried. I'm trying to bottle up my feelings, and that's definitely no good. And neither is letting them out. Or ignoring them. Or acting on them.
I miss having my best friend and I wish I'd never told him how I felt, and I resent that he was able to move on without me and I wasn't without him. Definitely makes me feel weak. And dumb. And angry. And it's a really stark reminder that I'm human he's not.
Re: Feb. 17th / Voice --> Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-05 02:02 am (UTC)[Her voice is soft despite the words being rather harsh. Because Rose seems to be the type of woman who would fend off cuddles; but Sarah can't be that critical. Yet at least. But stubborn is stubborn and she would push if needed.]
Yes it hurts, I will never deny that. I'm not sure how much worse it would be if I did love him the way you seem convinced you do, but then, it's not fair to hold a man to a promise made under different circumstances. Especially if it's possibly and probably been hundreds of years for him. Or however that blasted vortext counts age.
[Now a firmer tone in her voice.]
Stop being stupid. Regardless the face, he wouldn't put up with weak or dumb. And he put up with you, didn't he? And you with him. Nothing there speaks to you being weak or dumb. Stupid yes, but that's now.
[She clicks on the video, her face set in a rather fierce frown.]
You need to stop living for him and start living for yourself. So what if you're human? What's wrong with that? Some of the bravest people I know are human because they fought, they survived, they lived without having any more of a reason than because they could.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-06 06:43 pm (UTC)You're not listening. I mean... you are, but I'm not explainin' myself right. I don't want him to love me back. Only he can't turn it off. I can't figure out how to be me around him right now. I lose myself. He loses himself. And avoiding isn't working. I don't want to be back in orbit, but the only way to keep a distance and put up barriers and he hates 'em and they hurt him, and then they hurt me.
I'm here for Jack.
It's just killing me trying to find the right balance. I miss him, and everything I do hurts him. Or someone else. And if I get hurt, it hurts him too, and I'm not strong enough to fake otherwise.
I want to go back to just fun. And I haven't the faintest idea how.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-11 09:56 pm (UTC)What you're missing, or ignoring can't quite figure it, is that those two things are pretty hand in hand.
[She holds her hand up to silent any protests or corrections.]
Friends care about each other. The only way you can stop hurting him, is to stop being his friend which won't solve anything for anyone. You can't go back in time, no matter what you've seen.
You have to go forward. You can't wait for him forever. it's not fair to anyone, much less you.
So I'm gonna ask you again. What do you want? You said your here for Jack, so be here for him. It might sound insane but you can put the Doctor second or even third. He's not the center of the universe, and God help us if he was!
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-11 11:36 pm (UTC)[Bites her thumb in thought.]
[Put Jack first, the Doctor second or third or --]
[She hides her face in both hands and then pulls her knees up in a ball.] I hate that everyone treats me like...
When he blew up his extradimnensional office space and whatever... everyone talked to me instead of River. And that's just...
[Both hands in hair and FRUSTRATED.] That's normal. That's how it's always been with us. But it's not fair to me, and I know that's childish and stupid and pointless, but it drives me mad! I get all the responsibilities like a wife, all the drama of it, and not much of the perks or fun anymore.
And it's not like River could do it, or has done it, or does do it or is used to it. And same with his stupid stupid finances. [Swallows the hard lump in her throat.] Because it's easy for me. I can do it my sleep. But it makes me mad, because I'm doing things a wife would. And if I tell him to spend the money on River, he refuses and that's just --
[FLAIL.] Not their relationship. And anytime I try to make barriers to separate friendship from my bein' romantically in love with him, it winds up involvin' me holdin' onto anger as the only shield I've got.
So yeah, I'm angry. And if I let it go, then I've got just me left. And it opens me up right back to... everything. [Wipes her face with two hands.]
And I know it hurts him. There's just got to be another way, one I'm not seein', yeah?
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 03:58 pm (UTC)[She raises an eyebrow at the mention of fiances and wives. It makes it seem Rose has green eyes instead of brown.]
Then stop doing it. Rose really, everything your telling me is happening because your doing something you sound that you really wish you weren't doing.
[She shakes her head and gives her a rather flat look. The same look she'd given Harry, Allistir, and the Doctor when they'd missed the most obvious point right before them.]
What's wrong with only having yourself? You know, there is such a thing as moving on and it doesn't make a horrible person to do so; it makes you strong. But, if you want to keep being angry and miserable then just keep as you are. Because no one is going to change you, you've got to do that on your own. Or else you're going to be absolutely miserable for the rest of your life.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 04:07 pm (UTC)Yeah. Definitely.
[Sigh.] No, I don't want to stay angry or miserable. I'm just scared of letting it go because then I've got nothing left and I'm right back to where I was before, even if he's not, yeah?
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 04:25 pm (UTC)[She shrugged.]
But if you really think that all you are is whatever he thinks you are, then, there's absolutely nothing to be done about that.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 04:45 pm (UTC)Sarah Jane...
Even if I could bring myself to want to... which I mean, you're absolutely bloody 100% right, yeah? But I spent -- I...
I didn't just give up my other friends and family for him. Every time. That was my choice. Every time. I hurt my Mum, I betrayed my Dad, I ran away from Micks five times, and he, all of them always said, it was always the Doctor. It was always going to be the Doctor. And even with Jack... I...
I'm staying here for Jack. And I was so mad that he never told me what happened with Jack. That he left him there after I'd cursed Jack, that even exiling me back to Pete's Universe, he didn't tell me in advance about Jack, and then didn't even look after him.
But even with Jack...
You know why it took me until this place to kiss Jack? Because of the Doctor. Because neither of us wanted to upset him and we just assumed he'd be jealous and...
Yeah, yeah, OF COURSE I'm fed up with everyone always trying to protect the Doctor from his own bloody mistakes and his own bloody pain, but --
That's my mistake. The mistake I'm always going to make. Who I am. Because seeing him in pain hurts me worse than anything else I could ever do to myself. And separating myself from that...
[Just frequently covering her eyes with a hand throughout that, relieved she's not crying at least.]
I don't know, and I don't care anymore who he thinks I am. I know who I am, and he doesn't get to define that or impact it.
[Pulls a pillow over her head.] But I'm a very stupid woman and -- you know the song Landslide? By Fleetwoood Mac? I think that's your time, yeah? It's not that I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of not changing.
There is no moving on for me. I'm here for Jack, but in Pete's Universe, there's Meta. And I don't want... life outside the Doctor. I like having him as my best friend, life is more exciting and colorful, and no matter how much it hurts, I'll take it. But I know that makes it harder for him too, and I don't know to separate it.
[Spreads her hands with a shrug, still with her head under the pillow.] Sorry for all this, I'm just thinking out loud really, but it helps, yeah?
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 05:46 pm (UTC)[She sighs and holds back from rolling her eyes.]
Well at the moment you're not changing. At least not from what I've seen. If there's no moving on then, really? Get used to things as they are. S'how they're going to be because I will tell you this; he won't change. Not until his face does.
If you don't want a life outside of him, then this is your life now. Right now you're life sounds anything but exciting or colorful. It's sounds absolutely dreadful.
I don't know what else to tell you besides what I have. Either you listen or not but that is all on you Rose Tyler. No one else.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 06:20 pm (UTC)And I don't want him to change! I'm a hypocrite. [Closes eyes and sort of... half-nods because she's upside down.] And the important stuff stays no matter what.
Euuugh. I don't want this.
But I've had life out of him and I hated it. I need just... a balance. Figuring out how to l-l-....... be his friend and that other stuff involved, without losing myself to just... how I used to be. [Rubs her temples.]
[AND GROANS.] I shouldn't have bid on his past's date either. I thought Martha and Jack were there. I meannnnnn -- it did work out!!! Except for sleeping with him. And now he thinks I'm part of his trio or four-square or whatever and that is just... sooooo not happening.
[Gently pounds fist to forehead.]
[She can remind herself his older self is off limits, but it doesn't stop her. It doesn't change her heart and head. The things she wants. Life outside of him. Life outside of him...]
[She doesn't want THIS.]
[.... But she hates life outside of him.]
[BLUH.]
I made other dates too... It's better than I did in Pete's Universe. [MAKES A FACE.]
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 06:36 pm (UTC)[She gives a groan and shakes her head.]
Please tell me that you told him exactly what you told me. That you don't want to be part of his uhm...trio? And didn't just storm off or let him get his way?
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 07:08 pm (UTC)[Chewing her nail.] But the last times we talked about it was before he passed out and I blew up at BowTie Doctor. And for Valentine's Day...
Whoooooooo
[Bloooows hair.] Well no... we kind of talked when I won him at the date and I told him I won other people too and I said--
Well he said --
It didn't really...
Sooooooooo on Valentine's Day Jack begged us all to go to the Fair and I ditched Fluffy so he'd be with Martha and Jack and hid out with Koishi, my hair was all black too. So annoying. [Face scrunch.]
And Guitarist...
[Uuuuuuuuugh stomach knots. What, he "gets it"? She didn't ask how he spent his Valentines. With his wife? Or was Bowtie with her? Or did it matter? It should matter. It should. But if it matters the only thing it does is make her feeeeeel things that no one wants her to feel and she's tired of feeling it.] I told him... Fluffy.... That I --
[She avoided telling him she hadn't meant to win him. He told her he understood it now. That she was the best in her own way. That it was a separate thing from Jack and Martha.]
[Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Rose just.......... lied to him and didn't correct him or start a fight or --]
[Rose groans and covers her face with a pillow.]
[And drops it.]
He always gets his way. He said he understood it now, that I should have other people than him in my life but he understood he was the best and --
[Upside down gestures with her hands and puts the pillow back over her face, muffling her growling and chewing on it.]
[Drops the pillow again with a scowl.] He's not even wrong. See my problem? He is irreplaceable. I don't want to replace him. I'm not trying to forget him. And I DID tell him this was a one time only thing, but no I don't think that stuck, and just whatever I'll deal with it when it comes up.
[Lightly pounding forhead with fist before doing a sit up and flailing on her bed like an annoyed dog.] Stupid stupid Rose.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 07:18 pm (UTC)So he thinks your dating and you can't be bothered to tell him?
[Most exasperated sigh.]
No, you deal with it now or things are going to get worse. You can't, I don't even know what you're doing. And yes, very stupid. As my Doctor would say, practically imbecilic.
Before anything, you need to tell him. It's not fair to him and the longer you hold off the worse it'll be.
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 07:21 pm (UTC)[Nods and gets up. SHE IS LITERALLY GOING TO DO IT RIGHT THIS SECOND SARAH JANE. HOPE THAT WAS WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.]
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 07:23 pm (UTC)You know that face better than me so, you probably know how it'll go. But don't stop if he starts to pout. Goodness knows how many times that almost stopped me.
[The Doctor's Third face had the most adorable pout, Rose.]
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 07:29 pm (UTC)Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-17 11:31 pm (UTC)Good luck, Rose.
8/23 Action
Date: 2018-08-24 02:28 am (UTC)Re: 8/23 Action
Date: 2018-08-26 04:16 am (UTC)Oh, I am too exhausted to cook at home...
[She's poking at the communicator, looking at the man and quite literally runs into Ten.]
Oi, watch it you!
Re: 8/23 Action
Date: 2018-09-11 12:08 am (UTC)[Get ready for a Doctor hug! Have you noticed that someone is actually happy?]
Re: 8/23 Action
Date: 2018-09-12 03:10 am (UTC)Well, someone's in a mood. What's gotten into you?