Even if I could bring myself to want to... which I mean, you're absolutely bloody 100% right, yeah? But I spent -- I...
I didn't just give up my other friends and family for him. Every time. That was my choice. Every time. I hurt my Mum, I betrayed my Dad, I ran away from Micks five times, and he, all of them always said, it was always the Doctor. It was always going to be the Doctor. And even with Jack... I...
I'm staying here for Jack. And I was so mad that he never told me what happened with Jack. That he left him there after I'd cursed Jack, that even exiling me back to Pete's Universe, he didn't tell me in advance about Jack, and then didn't even look after him.
But even with Jack...
You know why it took me until this place to kiss Jack? Because of the Doctor. Because neither of us wanted to upset him and we just assumed he'd be jealous and...
Yeah, yeah, OF COURSE I'm fed up with everyone always trying to protect the Doctor from his own bloody mistakes and his own bloody pain, but --
That's my mistake. The mistake I'm always going to make. Who I am. Because seeing him in pain hurts me worse than anything else I could ever do to myself. And separating myself from that...
[Just frequently covering her eyes with a hand throughout that, relieved she's not crying at least.]
I don't know, and I don't care anymore who he thinks I am. I know who I am, and he doesn't get to define that or impact it.
[Pulls a pillow over her head.] But I'm a very stupid woman and -- you know the song Landslide? By Fleetwoood Mac? I think that's your time, yeah? It's not that I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of not changing.
There is no moving on for me. I'm here for Jack, but in Pete's Universe, there's Meta. And I don't want... life outside the Doctor. I like having him as my best friend, life is more exciting and colorful, and no matter how much it hurts, I'll take it. But I know that makes it harder for him too, and I don't know to separate it.
[Spreads her hands with a shrug, still with her head under the pillow.] Sorry for all this, I'm just thinking out loud really, but it helps, yeah?
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Feb. 17th / Video/ Locked
Date: 2018-03-13 04:45 pm (UTC)Sarah Jane...
Even if I could bring myself to want to... which I mean, you're absolutely bloody 100% right, yeah? But I spent -- I...
I didn't just give up my other friends and family for him. Every time. That was my choice. Every time. I hurt my Mum, I betrayed my Dad, I ran away from Micks five times, and he, all of them always said, it was always the Doctor. It was always going to be the Doctor. And even with Jack... I...
I'm staying here for Jack. And I was so mad that he never told me what happened with Jack. That he left him there after I'd cursed Jack, that even exiling me back to Pete's Universe, he didn't tell me in advance about Jack, and then didn't even look after him.
But even with Jack...
You know why it took me until this place to kiss Jack? Because of the Doctor. Because neither of us wanted to upset him and we just assumed he'd be jealous and...
Yeah, yeah, OF COURSE I'm fed up with everyone always trying to protect the Doctor from his own bloody mistakes and his own bloody pain, but --
That's my mistake. The mistake I'm always going to make. Who I am. Because seeing him in pain hurts me worse than anything else I could ever do to myself. And separating myself from that...
[Just frequently covering her eyes with a hand throughout that, relieved she's not crying at least.]
I don't know, and I don't care anymore who he thinks I am. I know who I am, and he doesn't get to define that or impact it.
[Pulls a pillow over her head.] But I'm a very stupid woman and -- you know the song Landslide? By Fleetwoood Mac? I think that's your time, yeah? It's not that I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of not changing.
There is no moving on for me. I'm here for Jack, but in Pete's Universe, there's Meta. And I don't want... life outside the Doctor. I like having him as my best friend, life is more exciting and colorful, and no matter how much it hurts, I'll take it. But I know that makes it harder for him too, and I don't know to separate it.
[Spreads her hands with a shrug, still with her head under the pillow.] Sorry for all this, I'm just thinking out loud really, but it helps, yeah?